*Out Of Control*
There’s a monster; an evil; a demon that resides within me.
It takes advantage of me and always overstays its welcome.
It’s manipulative and demands my attention, and all of it.
The control it holds over me is great and powerful.
I know I should resist is and push it away but I cannot.
Without it I would be lost.
Without it my direction and motive would twist into a knot.
As crazy as it sounds -
I cannot let go.
It’s what I rely on and fall back upon repetitively.
I can see the negative change it brings.
The death that does not become me.
I deny it all.
I lie to myself, encourage myself.
The cycle continues to drag me deeper and deeper.
I no longer listen to that little voice.
It’s dead.
I’ve suffocated it and ignored it.
The damage is already done.
Deterioration is on the horizon.
I can see my future but I don’t change.
It’s a dark one of mourning and pain.
Death is in my future and there’s no way to escape.
-2004
